Why Did We Really Break Up?

Dear Guys,

I started dating a guy that was on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend of two years. He finally broke it off. It was strictly his choice and I asked him not to do it on my behalf. We dated for about 5 months after that and had plans to move in together & eventually move out of state together. Until one day he just told me he wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted. He said he needed to change/find himself & couldn’t do that while in a relationship. In that same breath he stated that the way we hooked up was all wrong.

He still has feelings for his ex but not enough to be with her. His ex is doing well financially. He lost his car and other things after their breakup which leads me to believe that he’s tired of struggling and might benefit more from being with her, even though he said their relationship was beyond repair. I even encouraged him to try to work it out with her before it ended.

He is a very attractive man and gets lots of attention from women. I believe he does not trust himself to be faithful and he does not want to hurt me because he cares about me. I am so confused and have so many unanswered questions as to why he really broke up with me. I blame myself for some of it because I don’t think I satisfied him fully sexually because of my own insecurities. My heart is so sad because I had so much hope for the relationship and he’s a wonderful guy that seems to be fighting some sort of demons.

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad about this.

We see this as a timing issue more than anything else. Even though you were generous with your support for him and said all the “right” things to him, he was still coming out of a long and serious relationship. Jumping into a new relationship right away is never a good idea. Regardless of what he said, he needed much more time to process and heal. (So we can see why he still has feelings for his ex. This is totally natural and will continue for some time.)

You seem to be a very caring person who wants to do the right thing. But you’re also too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Yes, it’s sad, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s more than likely he’s still in comparison mode, which means his breakup is too fresh for anyone new to stand up to the test.

Also, sometimes the sex IS amazing when you are with someone new. But sometimes it takes time to for people to get to know one another before the sex gets to that “blow your mind” place. Different people have different timelines for how and when they want to open up. The best sex is sex that is open and uninhibited, where both partners are willing to give themselves over, and do what they can to satisfy their partner. (Both have to feel safe and comfortable of course.) It seems natural to us that you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable giving yourself over to this guy if you weren’t really sure where he stood with you and the relationship. That’s asking a lot of yourself. It’s hard to give when you’re feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

Kelli, try to process what you learned from this relationship and then try to apply the new insights as you move forward into new relationships. And be kind to yourself. You’ll know when you meet the right person because he’ll be someone you can be yourself with. This guy was not him.